lyttlebyrd: (Default)
[personal profile] lyttlebyrd
This is, word for word, the response I gave someone asking a question about open relationships and polyamory in a forum on Ravelry. I'm reposting it here for future reference. And I like how my answer turned out :)

My husband and I have been open since we met… I had a girlfriend at the time we met and I didn’t want to have to choose. He put it frankly “If you can have lovers on the side then I should be able to as well”. And I thought about it, and I felt ok with that. And we’ve been open even since, with the exception of when we were having our babies and I was dealing with the horrific depression that followed. It has run the gamut from one night stands (on his part) to long-term concurrent relationships (on both parts) to fun times in between. We have known each other 15 years and been married for 12 1/2. We have two kids, and they don’t seem to be harmed by the extra adults in their lives. They are too young to know any details, just that we have people in our lives who we love very, very much.

Currently, we are part of a foursome. I met my boyfriend nearly a year ago, and we got along like a house afire. I didn’t think I would get a chance to have a “forever” relationship even once, and I was shocked to discover that C was another forever person in my life. C and I kept saying that my husband had to meet C’s wife - we thought they could be good friends. They, also, got along like a house afire, and are together now. I guess what we have is a square - both women are with both men, but the men are not with each other, and the women are not with each other. They have a daughter who is older than our kids, and she loves the chance to be a big sister to them.

I love our life. I love knowing that there is someone who can satisfy my husband’s desires to be kinky, to be touched and held all the time, and who can relate to him on a level that I can’t. I love my boyfriend, and his sense of calm that he brings to me. My husband has Aspbergers, which can be a struggle to deal with, and being in a poly relationship helps with the immensely. There is someone else to siphon off some of his intense nature, and I have someone safe to go to when I need some down time. With my husband’s Aspbergers, he doesn’t get jealous. Quite literally. He doesn’t understand jealousy or why people get jealous. He understands that it happens, but that’s about it. I don’t get jealous of people - there is no one in the world who can offer my husband the exact thing I can offer, and I don’t worry about him leaving me. I do get jealous of time… Like when I am craving time with him but his FWB calls because she wants to talk about her schoolwork.

All in all, it works for us. I am not saying it’s perfect for everyone, and I wouldn’t recommend it for everyone. It takes a lot of soul searching, and (drumroll…) communication. If people aren’t talking about everything all of the time, then misunderstandings happen, and that is where problems creep in and feelings get hurt. If kids are involved, then there is extra stuff to worry about. We are not out in our community, because we want to protect our kids from some of the hurtful things that may come their way. We also choose not to be out to our immediate relatives - this is for many, many reasons.


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January 2012

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